Here’s to your Health

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by Sharon McGregor

I retired a couple of years ago and discovered that one of the things I began to fill all my spare time with, was an inordina rily large interest in the state of my health.

   I became concious of things I hadn’t had time to pay attention to before, such as my blood pressure, heart rate, and all those little aches and pains and strange sensation we humans are subject to.

   But I discovered there are limits to the amount of time and energy we should devote to the state of our health.

   Here are some obvious signs that you may be becoming a hypochondriac: 

        1. Have you watched or recorded more than four episodes of Dr. Oz this week? Have you ever watched an episode twice to make sure you didn’t miss anything important?

        2. Is your favourite part of a conversation the introduction because…

“How are you?” gives you 

the opportunity you’ve 

been waiting for to get a 

second opinion on that 

strange tingling in your 

left little finger?

          3. Do you pore over the list of side effects of every over the counter pain or cold medicine you try and do you develop at least three of them within a week?

        4. Is your doctor’s office on your phone speed dial just after Mom?

        5. Do you only do your grocery shoppin gin a store that has those do-it-yourself blood pressure machines?

        6. When stuck in a traffic jam do you calculate the distance to the nearest hospital just in case you are overcome by fumes or malaise?

        7. Do you have a portable heart rate monitor and do you never leave home without it?

        8. Do you agonize over joining a gym, balancing the health benefits against the odds of having a heart attach on the treadmill?

   If you said “yes” to two of these, you’re quite normal, to four you’re a bit of a Nervous Nellie, to six you’re definitely teetering on the edge and if you answered yes to all eight – please put the local funeral director on speed dial right after the doctor’s office. The relief of being prepared will be overwhelming.

  Poor Health

    I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through my file that contained my very extenseive medical history.

   After he finished all seventeen pages, he looked at me and said, “You look better in person that you do on paper.”

   Hearing Test

   A man went to his doctor and said, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?”

   The doctor replied, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”

   The man went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. He stood fifteen feet behind her and said: “What’s for dinner, Honey?” No response.

   He moved to ten feet behind her and asked again. No response.

   Five feet, no answer.

   Finally, he stood directly behind her and said, “Honey, what’s for supper?”

   She turned and in exasperation said, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”